Sock swap

Whenever it's 102ºF outside, go ahead and change your socks midday. Well, that's what my fortune cookie said yesterday. And I always listen to the cookie.

All-Star Game

After the National League's recent 5-1 win in Arizona, I was inspired to take a look back at previous year's All-Star Game logos. While I'm a St. Louis Cardinals fan through and through, and we hosted the big game a couple of years ago, I have to admit my admiration for Boston's 1961 All-Star Game logo. I'm not sure what I find so striking, but it has a certain je ne sais quoi about it.

The Sock Drawer in London

Prior to a recent trip to London, The Sock Drawer was asked to contribute a post for The London Report, the city's best hand-drawn newsweekly.

To see my entry and other great London-related news, features, interviews, travel stories and fiction, visit: The London Report

Even the wind wears socks

How poignant.

Sock Summit 2011: They Come from a Galaxy Far Far Away

This sock conference "explores the humble art form known as the sock." And, yes, I'm sure there will be plenty of reminiscing about the 2011 Gold Toe Awards, and excitement about the 2012 GT Awards.

Sock Summit 2011

Sock Stylin'

A Sock Drawer reader passed along this article from Meatpaper, so now I'll pass it along to you. That's just good table manners.

From Meatpaper.com:

I WAS GRILLING A JOHN LE CARRÉ NOVEL the other day when it occurred to me that the chauvinists of the world have been misunderstood: Treating someone like a piece of meat is a painstaking, attentive thing to do.

I’d learned this under the tutelage of Kim Konecny, a veteran food stylist who’s prepared and arranged edibles for everyone from Dreyer’s to the New York Times Magazine. I had invited Konecny into my kitchen to work her magic on a pork chop, and to learn some of that magic myself. Could it be applied to some non-meaty, everyday objects, I wondered? Is meat intrinsically photogenic, or can anything be made to look appetizing?

I had a clown nose, a sweat sock, a plush toy, and a spy novel that otherwise did little to water the mouth.

(Continue reading)

2011 Gold Toe Award Recipients

Drum roll please...


After carefully reviewing each and every Gold Toe Award entry, I have compiled the best of the best for your reading, viewing, and listening enjoyment.

The 2011 Gold Toe Award Grand Championship goes to the reigning 2010 Gold Toe Award Champion, Orson S., who has proven once again that great sock entries can be achieved at any age. Although knee-high to a grasshopper and modest of his prowess in the field of socks, this inspirational young man has the potential to walk (he is now walking) amongst the world's most accomplished sock artists (socksters).

Special Recipe


- Orson S.
London

Below is the full list of 2011 Gold Toe Award Runners-Up, chronologically listed by date of submission*. Congratulations to everyone who won!

* Best Sock Beverage Jokes category is listed in no particular order.

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Most Interesting Story about Someone Not Interested in Something

I'm Not Interested In Getting My Socks Knocked Off

I don’t want my socks knocked off. I don’t know why someone would want their socks knocked off in the first place. I put my socks on for a reason. If I wanted them off, I would take them off. I would probably do it gently. I would not knock them off.

Usually when I am wearing my socks, I am wearing footwear like boots or shoes. If my socks get knocked off, they either have to knock off my shoes too or get crammed into a corner of the shoe while I am still wearing it, which sounds like NO FUN.

The question I have is “Why do you want to knock my socks off?” They’re my socks. Stop trying to knock them off. Stop it.

If you try and knock my socks off, you might get your block knocked off.

Period.

Knock off your own socks if you want to knock off some socks so bad.

- Mack D.
Wisconsin

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Most Sock Jokes Submitted by One Person for Many Persons (SBOPFMP)

Q: What happened to Neil Armstrong's socks when he came back from the moon?
A: They got lost in the sockosphere

- Ernest
London

Q: What do Primal Scream say at a stripping festival?
A: Get your socks off, get your socks off honey

- Ian S.
London

Q: What happened to James Franco's washing when he was making 127 Hours?
A: It got stuck between a sock and a hard place

- Ian S.
London

Q: What did Napoloeon's socks say to his shoes at the Battle of Waterloo?
A: Don't be so deFEETist

- Ian S.
London

Q: What happened to Queen Elizabeth the First's shoes at night when she took them off?
A: They were kept under sock and key

- D.D.
London

Q: What do you cook knitting noodles in?
A: A sok pan of course

- Lucky D.

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Crudest Sock Joke by Debbie D. not Liz D.

Q: What is another name for a condom?
A: c*ck sock

- Debbie D.
London

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Best Words that Sound Like Varieties of Socks

Words that sound like varieties of socks I own, but aren’t.
• Fargyles
• Fold tow socks (non-Americans: this is a reference to the popular brand of socks found in the U.S., Gold Toe socks)
• Rube socks
• A nice pair of knitted wool socks (if someone wants this to be removed from the list, they can give me a nice pair of knitted wool socks—hint, hint)

- Matt S.
London

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Best, Longest Gold Toe Award Entry in the History of The Gold Toe Awards

Socked on Wall Street

I got the news straight from my sock ticker, and it stunk like sour socks. First thing I did was tell my business partner, Steve “Socks” Sockston, that we were about to take a big kick in the socks. Socks and I ran a sock brokerage, trading and selling sock savings bonds, sock commodities and sock futures, and sometimes just socks.

I opened his office door, and I could tell that he hadn’t heard the news. He was sporting socks on his hands like mittens, he was chewing his favorite sock and was rakishly sporting his hat made of socks (he called it his “socking cap”). Also, he was juggling fifteen balled-up socks, amazingly, and said, “Whee! I love socks! Yeah!” He was overjoyed and looked to be at peace with the world and its splendid variety of socks. Even his cat, Socks the Cat, was having fun hopping and trying to bat the socks that Socks was juggling.

“It looks like you haven’t heard the news,” I told him. “The sock market went sock-down today.”

“Oh, no,” said Socks. Instantly, the socks he’d been juggling fell like a brief torrent of super-soft, awesome hail if hail were made of super-awesome socks.

“Yeah, it’s bad,” I said. I pulled a sock from my sock pocket and dabbed at my eyes, one of which was an artificial eye made of a very high-grade optical sock.

“How bad is it?” Socks said, removing his favorite chewing-sock from his mouth and putting it in its special drawer in his desk, which was made of socks and had drawers that were packed with socks from around the world. On his wall hung a framed sock, that was supposedly worn by William “Socks” Shakespeare, who popularized the terms “sock entrepreneur” and “socktrapreneur” in his sonnets.

“The Chairman of the Fed described the situation in an analogy,” I said. “He says it’s like the big giant sock holding up our economy got a hole worn in it and now the bottom has fallen out of the sock market,” I said. “It’s total sock devaluation.”

“Let’s get some hard sock numbers. What’s the sock exchange rate?” said Socks. “How many socks to a dollar?

“You’re not going to like this,” I said.

“Just tell me.”

“Four,” I said, knowing that that was the last number he wanted to hear, other than maybe five or six or seven or anything higher than that.

“Well, that’s the worst news I could’ve gotten since hearing that Shakespeare didn’t actually call his sonnets ‘socknnets,’” Socks said. “Give me a minute, I need to explain this to Socks the Cat.”

Socks picked up Socks the Cat and gave him a big hug and a sock. I could tell by the concerned look in the cat’s eye that he or she knew that something bad was going down, like it was time to be spayed or neutered or be dipped for fleas or his favorite sock had to be burned because it was flea-infested—but I bet it couldn’t have conceived in its little kitty mind just how bad this sock exchange rate was. I’ve dealt in a lot of commodities over the years but nothing was as volatile as socks. One day, you’re the coolest guy in the world, buying socks of Champagne for everyone at the club and the next minute you’re like Socks and I are now—two guys sitting on a pile of devalued socks explaining things to a cat.

“Meow, meow,” Socks said to Socks the Cat. “Meow.”

“Meow?” said Socks the Cat.

Socks nodded. “Meow, meow,” he said, then motioned toward me. Socks the Cat looked my way, as if he was expecting me to explain the major sock devaluation and explain how it was going to be better soon and that I could somehow convey all of that in cat language. (Really, I don’t know any more words in cat than I do in French. I can say, “Hello”/”Bon jour”/”Meow” and “Two tickets for the Eiffel Tower”/“Deux billets pour la Eiffel Tower”/”Meow” but none of that helps me address what is important.) (By “what is important,” I mean “socks.”)

I summoned all of my feelings and tried my best to convey them to Socks the Cat.

“Meow,” I said.

Socks the Cat started to cry. I’d never seen a cat cry before. He then jumped from Socks’ shoulder toward my face. I ducked and tossed Socks the Cat a sock, which seemed to pacify him.

“You need to work on your cat-speaking,” Socks told me.

I nodded and patted Socks the Cat on his head in a way that said, Sorry, I don’t speak cat language. Within a minute, it was clear that Socks the Cat and I were cool.

“Meow,” Socks the Cat said to me.

“Right back at you, Socks,” I said to the cat.

Socks the Cat then looked at me in a concerned way but with a glint of I’m ready to weather the storm with you and Socks. (Just as an aside, my name is Sock “Socky” Sockston. Look me up, should you ever need someone to be your agent in the world of sock commodity.)

“Things can only get better,” said Socks, giving Socks the Cat a reassuring pat on the back, which was covered in a sock. “I guess it’s times like these when it’s a good thing we diversified our investments. Let’s hope the stockings and footsies markets hold their value.”

I always appreciated Socks’ can-do attitude toward socks and associated markets.

“That’s right,” I said. “Plus, baby booties have been bullish all day.”

“Those booties are saving our booties right now!” Socks said.

Normally I wouldn’t laugh at something so stupid but today, after the bad news about socks and Socks the Cat jumping for my face, it seemed to be the most funny thing I’d heard. Socks was a regular William Shakespeare and Socks-phoclese and Michael Sockston (the artist who, as a tribute to Michael Jackson, recorded all of The King of Pop’s songs in a sock) rolled into one giant sock-ball that’s stored in a sock and foisted atop a gold-plated mountain of socks.

We shook hands, both of which were covered by socks. I walked through an opening in his office’s wall (the walls were made of socks) and returned to my desk, which was also made socks. I switched on my sock computer and glanced at my sock telephone then the sock-framed photo of my dog, Socks the Dog. Now that I think of it, everything in our office was made of socks.

“This is going to be a tough time but we’ll get through it,” I told the photo of Socks the Dog, which was printed on Kodak’s new Socks-infused printer paper. I knew I was going to lean hard for support from the Socks of Gibraltar in my life: my friends, Socks my boss, Socks the Cat, my faithful dog Socks the Dog, and, of course, my socks. I looked at my feet and realized I’d forgotten to put on my socks today. I ripped off my loafers then slipped on a pair of socks that I had been using as stationery. As I felt that snug cotton enveloping my feet, I knew that everything was getting better, as long as I wore my socks.

- Matt S.
London

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Best Sock Beverage Jokes

Q: What do socks drink?
A: Saki.

- Carolee S.
London

Q: What is the smelliest drink you can drink?
A: Hot socklate

- Monty
London

Q. What drinks would you serve a footwear fancy dress party?
A. Mocka-socka-lattes

- Liz D.
London

Late Sock Beverage Entry:
Q: What's a sock fetishist's favourite drink?
A: A socktail

- Debbie S.
London

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Best It's-Funny-Because-It's-True Sock and Washing Machine Joke

Q: What do you call it when only one sock comes out of the washing machine?
A: Fin de socle.

- Carolee S.
London

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Most Truthful Sock Truths

Sock Truths

After seeing one too many cartoons in which people put money in socks, I began using a sock as a wallet. It worked just as well as my wallet, although my wallet was terrible at being a sock.

Other things that can be replaced by socks but are awful at doing the work of socks: lunchbags, gloves, mittens, pencil boxes, etc.

One of the greatest surprises ever found in a sock was a smaller pair of socks that contained an even smaller pair of socks that contained more than 100 gold coins! (This surprise was discovered by former U.S. president Andrew Jackson!)

One of the central claims of Plato’s Republic is that justice is not only desirable for its own sake, but that it maximizes the happiness of those who practice it. That also sort of applies to socks.

Socks that are worn to the gym are more valuable than socks folded in a drawer.

You don't need an excuse to wear your favorite socks but you may need an excuse if someone catches you wearing nothing but your favorite socks.

Some socks are pure evil.

In ancient Greece, a tailor asked Socrates, “Which sock is the most evil? Left or right?” Socrates shrugged and said, "That's a toughie."

Evil socks sometimes make good people do bad things. You don’t even want to know what I’m referring to. (Sorry, Gus!)

- Matt S.
London

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Best Sock-Related Original Photography Taken in South City St. Louis

- Alex B.
St. Louis

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Best Sock Entry Fake-Out

January 19, 2011 (12:17 pm):

I marked my calendar. I should have something to you around 11:30am on the 24th.

January 24, 2011 (11:30 am):
Nothing

January 24, 2011 (11:31 am):
Nothing

- Amanda P.
St. Louis

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And last but not least...

Best Sock Jokes Conceived After a Lecture, while Inebriated and Digesting Breaded Prawns

A. How did the hosiers choose a new President?
Q. They voted with their feet.

Q. What is the foot fetishist's worst nightmare?
A. The 'sock block'.

- Liz D.
London

Spider Loves that Sweaty Sock Smell

A Sock Drawer reader has alerted me to a recent study about spiders, mosquitoes, and stinky socks. According to a recent article on the LiveScience website, stinky, smelly socks attract mosquitoes (so they can feed on ankles), spiders (so they can feed on mosquitoes), and people (so they can feed on...just kidding. The presence of mosquitoes and spiders indicate the socks should be washed more frequently).

Call for Entries: Third Annual Gold Toe Awards

Yes, it's that time of year again. The time when I select a completely arbitrary day to start the Gold Toe Awards Competition. Now in its third year, the competition continues to grow. I can no longer count entries on one hand of fingers, so maybe this will be the year I start counting with my toes. No way! That would require removing my socks.

Will Orson S. return to defend his 2010 title? His multimedia joke submission edged above other excellent jokes, essays, plays, and photos from around the world. The stakes are high, and the steaks are juicy. The rewards are handsome, and the bragging rights are, well, braggy.

I think most of you know the rules, but for any newbies out there:
Submit any sort of sock-related item, or any sorted/unsorted socks as long as they're clean. Jokes, stories, drawings and photos are also welcome -- keep those clean as well. The competition is strictly open to friends, family, non-friends, non-family, sock-wearing pets, gray-sock squirrels, and semi-wild animals (those living in the woods, but have been exposed to modern conveniences such as socks). Official deadline is 12:00pm, February 24, 2011. Good luck!

Send entries to:
mirandaks@gmail.com

or

2011 Gold Toe Awards
P.O. Box 21743
St. Louis, MO 63109
USA

Darn good video of a Darn Good Sock Mill

Socks on Ears

I had something of a John Hawkes weekend. After watching him in Winter's Bone, I switched gears and watched him again in Miranda July's 2005 film Me and You and Everyone We Know. MAYAEWK is a great movie that I'd seen many times, but on this viewing I took notice of a scene in the shoe department where Christine (Miranda July) hangs a sock on each of her ears. I wish I could embed a video of the scene, but I couldn't find one. I did, however, find a link to Michael Andrews' corresponding song from the film. His final score: one sock-on-ear to one sock-on-ear. Evenly matched.

It's nice to know my nephew (Socks: Not Just for Feet Anymore) and Miranda July are still doing creative work with socks.